Interpersonal Conflict

Conflicts are parts and parcels of life that are unavoidable. They range from small, minor disputes to major ones. All of these conflicts may affect or damage the relationship. If handled well, conflicts could help both parties deepen mutual understanding as well as gain mutual respect. However, if handled badly, conflicts might lead to hostility and can even put an end to relationships. We see conflicts at all sorts of levels- ranging from family to friends and even at work. Interpersonal conflicts are generally due to different working styles or goals.

The following is an example of a conflict that I went through. I guess this conflict arose due to the fact that we had very different working styles even though our goal was the same – to plan a fantastic orientation.

It happened when I was in the organising committee of the Orientation Camp. Back then, we decided to have a trial run to test the games that we were playing in the actual camp. One of the higher-ranking members from the main committee came down and joined us in our trial run. During the debrief session at the end of the first day, she took over the role of the chairperson of the orientation committee and started to pinpoint things that were not to her liking. For example, she felt that the committee members were not enthusiastic enough and if we were not going to participate actively in the activities then we should not have gone for the trial at all. However, the committee preferred to finish our jobs quietly but this certainly did not mean that we were not efficient in carrying out the tasks that were assigned to us. She even held a meeting with the programmes committee asking them to change the activities planned because the respective house leaders did not like the activities. I could understand her intentions but I think it would be better if she put it across as a suggestion rather than a request that we had to comply to. We were very upset over the negative feedbacks that she gave us because she denied all our efforts in the preparation for the camp.

This higher-ranking member went on to complain that we slept too early for a camp even when there was nothing left for us to do. In the end, we merely sat around and talked until it was 3 in the morning before going to bed. The irony here was that she woke up late the next morning and we had to push back our timeline.

What would you do if you were in our shoes?

P.S. I think that the book In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner is very interesting. The story is about 2 sisters who shared very little in common except for the size of their shoes. Both of them were secretly envious of each other yet none of them voiced it out, which caused them to drift apart. It was not until very long later that they started to work on the issues they had with each other. If they had done that earlier, probably they would not have left so many years of their sisterhood blank. Many problems could be resolved if we are able to empathise with the other party. However, how many of us are able to do that?

Effective Communication

Before I move on and blog about the topic on conflicts I can't help but wonder whether effective communication is just about making sure that the other party understands what you are saying. I had this encounter the other day over dinner which led me to this question. The conversation between my mum and the waitress goes like that:

Mum: Hi, is it possible if you do this dish without adding spring onion and garlic
Waitress: No (Curtly)
Mum: But I've ate this elsewhere and it can be done
Waitress: Oh. Too bad. We're not that place.

Apparently, the waitress did get her point across and we totally understand what she said but is this really effective communication?

Why is effective communcation important to me?

George Bernard Shaw, an Irish literary Critic, once said that the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. This is one statement that I couldn't agree more. Many a time, we just assume that the party knows exactly what we are thinking or saying and decided that no further communication is required. This leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings. Assumption is a bad habit that many of us are guilty of and I am no exception, yet I feel that this is one main factor that affects effective communication

Effective communication is important to me as I am no mind reader nor do I have a crystal ball that helps me to identify the thoughts and feelings of people around me. By taking time out to find out what people around me really want, think or feel helps to strengthen the relationship between us. For example, I used to quarrel with my sister. This is because both of us assume that we know each others’ limits and boundaries so we left many things unspoken. However, nothing could be further from the truth. Both of us are just very different and only after communicating with each other our differences became lesser and we became closer.

By being able to communicate effectively, it helps me to increase my confidence level and self-esteem. When I was younger, I like to stay within my comfort zone and not bring attention to myself by not voicing out my opinions. However, as I grow older and communicate with more people, I began to realise that dealing with people and exchanging ideas were not as difficult as I thought. With practice, I became less afraid to talk to people and more sure of myself when I try to put my idea across. By being able to convey my message to those around me enabled me to be more confident about interaction with others. I am sure no man is an island. All our dreams and goals can only be fulfilled with the help of others. Hence, I think that it is important be able to put across what we need clearly and specifically to allow people to understand and assist us.

I believe that communication is not just about the things that we say but also the non verbal aspects such as the way one dresses and their actions. To communicate effectively it means that we should also use non verbal aspects to build rapport with others. The way we dress, the way we stand and the way we sit tells people something about us and people usually start by listening to what they see not what they hear. Generally, people like people who are the same as them. I would definitely feel more connected to those that dress more like me that with a businesswoman dressed in shirt and pants. Rapport is important to me as it helps to build camaraderie. There is an old saying “A first impressions is a lasting impression”. I believe there is some truth in this statement. If we cannot communicate effectively with the way we dress and the way we behave, it would be difficult for us to sell ourselves and others would not take time to try to find out who we really are.

This is how much effective communication mean to me. It helps to enhance my relationships, minimise the chances of misunderstandings, improve on my self confidence and allows me to build rapports with others.